I just read this on Facebook.
It made me realize just how on edge I have to be, all the time, to make sure I don't get hurt. I don't even realize it anymore! It's so much a part of every day, of watching my actions constantly, that I don't conciously register how unfair and wrong it is that I have to constantly make sure I'm not looking at someone the wrong way, or I could get raped. I mean, folks, let's be perfectly clear - there's a BIG ol' gap between giving someone the wrong look on accident and having them take it to mean, "Ah, yes, this woman is free game! She must want to get raped!"
What the hell is wrong with the world? I read the article above and I just kept saying to myself - "Yep, that's happened to me. Yep. Yep, I've had to go through that before."
So I decided to write my own list. We'll cover recent things, since those are the most salient for me right now.
Starting with wearing shorts to the grocery store. Now, the background to this story is that I moved to The Netherlands in September of last year (2011). I quickly realized that I live in a very "ethnic" neighborhood. There are a lot of Turkish, Moroccan, Ghanaan people here, and many of them are Muslim. Most of the women in my neighborhood wear hijabs.
But it was hot one day in September. So I wore shorts to the grocery store. The minute I stepped out of the house, I knew something was wrong, and I instantly regretted what I was wearing. I kept feeling the eyes of men on the corner of the street drifting towards me. I heard snickers from a group of teenage guys walking down the road. When I finally got to the grocery store, I ran in and bought one or two things. I went to go check out, and two men stepped into line behind me. They immediately started an animated, loud conversation about how easy I must be, seeing as I was audacious enough to wear shorts. There were several remarks about my ass, and whether they should take the effort to try and get me alone. I checked out, and went outside to my bike, horrified and ashamed. They followed me outside, and were about to get into their car, when they decided wolf-whistling at me would be a better use of their time. I left, almost crying.
Going to Utrecht Central station in the morning, getting to a school visit. I'm dressed up, because I want to look nice for teaching. I'm trying to avoid the gazes of several men kind of lurking around in the station - who comes to the train station so early? I buy a ticket, and turn around to find my departure platform. A man stands in my way. "Hey." He says, and I try to walk around him. "Hey!" He follows me, I turn around abruptly and ask, shortly, "What do you want??" He gives me a wolfish grin, and slurs out, "You know, you look really beautiful. I gotta lotta stuff I could offer a really beautiful woman, you know?" Disgusted, I walk away, trying to get into the company of other people, trying to get away, to wipe off the sick, sticky feeling of his eyes on me.
Walking through Cardiff last weekend. I got lost trying to make my way home after dinner. Thankfully, I was with two other girls. I don't think they ever realized how bad our situation was - for which I think they can be forgiven, they were young.
I was wearing a black skirt, fell right above the knee. Absolutely terrifying. Sick-in-your-throat, worried about every dark corner, hurriedly walking forward, having no idea where you are, not wanting to walk back through the groups of men on the corners...Outside a small restaurant, a guy calling out, "Hey! You look lost! You lost chicky? C'mon, I'll help you. C'mere! C'mon!" His friend: "Yeah, shit, man, I like that skirt! Hey, sweetheart, I like that skirt! Come over here, we'll help you!" When I said no, friend and guy: "Well, fuck you then! I hope you get lost! Get fucked!" Running away, terrified they would follow.
Biking home from the gym in gym-shorts yesterday: Got to the area around my house. Everyone on the street is turning and looking. Several people shout as I go past, saying everything from, "Put that away!" and "Get some pants on!" to "C'mere baby!" "Heeey!"
I was wearing gym shorts. I did nothing wrong except wearing shorts, showing off - I don't even know what! My knees, if that!
These are only the most recent examples. This is a constant struggle. It has happened to me on the streets of Athens, OH, and it has happened to me in cities like Utrecht and Cardiff. I don't ever think about this, but damn. Think about how stressful it is, to constantly worry about how you look, how you might catch people's eye accidentally, and they see that as a trigger to start coming after you.
Let's be fair, folks. Being righteously angry about this isn't militant feminism, it's just...normal. It's just the desire to feel safe, to be able to walk around and not worry about the groups of men, the people sort of following you down the road, right at the corner of your vision. Is that rational? Is that a reasonable request to make?
I'll add stories as I remember them:
ReplyDeleteNext-door neighbor. I thought I was being nice by saying hello back, and agreeing to come over and talk to him. We were new neighbors, after all! And he was a dad! With two cute little red-headed girls, who seemed to have a nice wife. He's probably about 50-55, older, more like a grandpa sort than a young dad. They had kids late. I asked for water, and he handed me a glass of wine, forcing it on me, saying, "Just one! Just one! For me! To celebrate being new neighbors." So I had it, and turned to leave. He asked me inside, to give me some books. He was fairly drunk (turns out, he's an alcoholic - the things your landlords leave out of the house description...). He moons over me, asking me not to leave, to stay and talk to him, he's so lonely, he doesn't really love his wife, he's seen me out in the front yard, and thought about seducing me (his words) so many times... As if the mooning about being lonely wasn't enough! Incredibely freaked out and upset, I went back to my house. All I did to inspire this particularly weird, uncomfortable situation was try and be nice by saying hello back.
When I was right around your age, this happened to me all the time. NOT ANYMORE! Shockingly, once you turn almost-50, men kind of ignore you because you remind them of their moms, which is good. I worked downtown Cleveland in the early 1980s. There was a guy at work named Jeff. I thought he was gross. He had gross teeth and was a dweeb. He was divorced with two kids that he never saw and he was at least 35 years old (I was 21 or 22). Sometimes people at work would go out on Friday nights. This was my mistake. I went out with a group that included him. He got drunk (I am sure I did too) and started groping me while we were dancing. Ugh! I got away from him and chalked it up to him being drunk. Then he started making passes at me at work all the time. I avoided him as much as I could but he was one of my bosses so I saw him in the hall and I had to do work for him! He was a vice president. Finally, I told someone else that he made me uncomfortable. Naturally, instead of helping a sistah, she told him, and he called me into his office and gave me a lecture about how *I* led him on and that his "feelings were so hurt." He dismissed me from his office in a huff! Wow. After that, I applied for a transfer to another department. His friend worked in that department. I didn't even get an interview and was told later by one of the other ladies in the office that I should think about looking for another job. This was sexual harrassment, but I didn't know it. Two years before that I was working in a real estate office and my MARRIED boss would come up to me and rub my shoulders and tell me I had pretty hair all the time! Again, it was so uncomfortable but I didn't say anything to him because I was afraid of his authority, and I was still in the stage of being a kid, really, where I felt afraid of those in authority. And anyone close to 30 or more felt like a dad to me (take that, Mr. Real Estate! You so not sexy!) Eventually I left that job but never forgot the icky feeling of being around him. Those are work situations, but your blog reminded me of them because those were times when I felt very vulnerable and had no control over what was happening to me. Also, DUMBASSES! Unfortunately, I know for a fact that the "neck rubber" is still alive and well and thriving in life and is still an idiot realtor. I see his fugly face on signs everywhere. And there were many, many times when I got the same kind of harrassment on the street in Cleveland when I was in my 20s that you have received. OMG, don't you hate those construction guys. Take an immature, socially stunted man, add alcohol (or not), add a couple of buddies, and you have a very toxic combination. You are nothing but an object to them. Do the same with women (add alcohol and a couple of buddies) and we all cry and tell our deepest, darkest secrets. Such a difference.
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